I know I’m looking like a brother from anotha mother when the shade of my skin is 10 times darker than my mom and pops.

My pops asked me why I looked like a brown turd.

My mom asked me when the last time I took a bath was.

Brown and Proud, SON!!!!

I got my tan on, again. It’s like I’m family now at Pro Tan. Before my last tanning session, I stopped to grab a huge bean and chorizo burrito from Adalberto’s before i went to tan.

I scarfed it down on the way to Pro Tan. And you know I had to have the extra hot sauce or it just isn’t a damn burrito. Anyway, as I pull into Pro Tan I start getting sh** cramps. I mean MAJOR DOO DOO PAINS. I took a minute to breathe my way through the pains and the cold sweat. When I thought they were gone, I got out of my ride and walked into to get my mocha latte tan.

I went into my tanning room, got my iPod set up and stripped down to my one-sock on the one-eyed monster and laid down to receive my browness.

Just then… a pain shot from my stomach to my butt, and then another. I started to breathe heavier and the cold sweats started to come back. I crunched into a fetal position and continued to hyperventilate as I tanned. The smell of the tanning lotion didn’t help

I looked at the clock…only 2 more minutes before my session was up. I can do it. I can make it. It was the longest 2 minutes ever!!!!!!!!

When my time was up I grabbed my clothes and ran to the bathroom to let the chorizo burrito go. The girls at Pro Tan must’ve known something was up, ‘cuz they didn’t bother me and were so nice when they saw me come out of the bathroom wiping the sweat off my forehead with my sock.

Anyway.. another great experience at Pro-Tan!! Shout out to J-Heezy!!!! Ask for my boy and he’ll hook you up with the Power Homie discount!!!!

Peace & Poo Cramps,

Bootleg

I’m too sexy…and it hurts……DAYAMMMM

The other day, some chick asked me if I was mixed. The tanning sessions at Pro Tan are really starting to pay off! I was part of the Hoop it Up basketball tournament this past weekend and girls were jockin’ me left and right. I know that I’m not muscle man, but these tan guns I’m sportin’ are making the honeys want me.

It’s ok, ladies..there is enough for me to go around.

My last tanning session was pretty relaxing and I felt it was too short. But again, Pro Tan will never leave you in the tanning booth longer than you need to be. But this time I laid on my stomach and got my ass tan.

My white booty wasn’t matching the rest of my tan physique so I knew I had to darken the crack up!! I even had my girl’s initials tanned on my butt. She loved that! The tanning lotion felt good slathered on my backside. I keep trying to get my girl to come with me to “help” with the lotion, but she refuses. She knows that’ll lead to to other things!

I even tanned the bottom of my feet!!

I walked out feeling pretty hot. My goal is to look like JX3..or maybe close to it.

Need a tan?? Go to PRO TAN! Tell ‘em that Bootleg Kev sent you and get a deal!!!!!!

‘Til next time….

BOOTLEG

My skin is looking smooth and sexxxxy like a Vanilla Latte. I got back to ProTan and I was ready!

Today I got to experience the Eclipse Tanning Bed! WOW. Talk about something that makes you feel powerful- just laying there I felt the rush to my baloney pony. I pulled out my iPod to take my mind off of anything sexual.

But I just couldn’t. The heat all over my body was really starting to arouse me. The smell of the lotion, the dark shades and the thought of Vida Guerra’s ass cheeks on my face had me on the brink. I couldn’t hold back!!!!!! And…….

My time tanning was up.

No happy ending. (Plus, I wouldn’t do that at ProTan. That place is too clean and respectable for that kind of behavior) I’d need to take my sexual activities to a Van Buren tanning parlor if I wanted it to end that way.

I think people are lookin at me differently, too since I’ve started my ProTanning experience. The sales chicks at the office are taking notice and can’t keep their hands off of me. The janitor lady accidently on purpose walked in while I was peeing and didn’t leave. Maddog wants to SOOO be like me now. He wants to rock the tan like I do– but he can’t hang. He’ll have to stick to the fake spray-on that he buys from the 99cent store.

And now I think Lady La wants some of this.

I see the way she looks at me when we’re on the show in the a.m. together. She tries to pass by me and touch my tan ass. She winks at me a lot now and wants me to give her backrubs; always askin’ me out to lunch.

But she had her chance back in the day. It’s a little too late now, Miss LA. I have my brownie at home…and she’s lovin’ ALL this skin.

Alright. I gotta get goin’ and pick up some tank tops to showcase this hot bod.

Don’t get too hot, all you mamacitas out there. I’ll be back soon to blog. Keep your tops on, the Beaver Cleavers in check and your lips moist…until I get back.

xoxoxo

LL Bootleg (Ladies Love Bootleg)

 The routine of getting my tan is starting to become pretty routine for me. People at work are starting to notice and when I’m out on the streets, listeners have been asking where the ProTan locations are. In case you didn’t know, there are 4 locations in Scottsdale and Phoenix. Go to tantantan.com if you want more info. ‘cuz I don’t have time to give your lazy ass directions.

This time when I went in for my session, H.C.C. (Hot Chick @ Counter) led me to the MATRIX tanning bed. Damn, it was dope! You feel like you’re going to be blasted into another time period when you get in that thing!!

I got my goggles (or Stunna Shades) on, undressed and slid the sock over my pee stick and got in and relaxed. This time I brought some Lil’ Wayne tracks with me to chill to while I did my full 10 minutes.

This time I got sweaty. But I didn’t care. I knew all this was for a good cause. Thank God for the high speed fans that ProTan has in each bed. That was a life saver!!

My time flew by and I got dressed. My sock was stinky and wet, so I trashed it with the other one and threw my shoes on. 

When I got back to work, a female told me that I looked “sun-kissed”, another called me a “bronze beefcake”. Seriously dude, Maddog is jealous. I can tell. The way he looks at me with envy (or maybe he wants to seduce me—sick!)

This is the life. I am lovin’ the skin I’m in.

Big shout out to J-Heezy (Owner, Jay at ProTan) for taking a chance on a pastey white guy to showcase his tanning salon! Dude, I’ll make you proud!!

Get your tan on at ProTan! Tell them Bootleg Kev sent you and watch the VIP treatment you get!!